From Lutin today:



Well, that's interesting, given I'm a Virgo and Dan's a Gemini.

FOOD FIGHT!

 Lutin says:

Saturn is preparing to leave Virgo

and enter Libra

PRAISE BE TO GOD. You can fucking have that goddamned planet.  Get him OUT of my bloody sight. And take his health fuckery with him.

 Though perhaps the bottom of the monitor would be better.  From Lutin in his message to Virgos this week:

remember that a miracle

is an opportunity, one we cannot manipulate into being

or avoid, and it always demands maturity.

would you recognize a miracle if it happened to you?

 

Normally I scoff at dailies, but holy fuck.  Um, yeah.  Except I'm having a hard time with the "power to change your direction."  

Daily horoscope from Tarot.com:

You know how everybody is always ranting about how Mercury is in retrograde, and how awful it is, and you sit there thinking, "Why the HELL didn't someone tell me this BEFORE it happened?" 

Well, say so no longer.

Mercury retrograde in Libra: September 24-October 15.  Give or take a few days/weeks for shadows and other stuff that real astologers can tell you.  But read this link to get the full dish.  Or one of the interpretations of the dish. 

Want to plan even further ahead?

Mercury turns retrograde January 11th, 2009 8Ã'° Aquarius
Mercury turns direct February 1st, 2009 at 21Ã'° Capricorn

Mercury turns retrograde May 7th, 2009 at 2Ã'° Gemini
Mercury turns direct May 31st, 2009 at 22Ã'° Taurus

Mercury turns retrograde September 7th, 2009 at 6Ã'° Libra
Mercury turns direct September 29th, 2009 at 21Ã'° Virgo

Mercury turns retrograde December 26th, 2009 at 21Ã'° Capricorn
Mercury turns direct January 15th, 2010 at 5Ã'° Capricorn

Read here to get really advance dish (scroll down).  Can't say I'm eager for those.

Anyway.  Now you know.

Today Lutin referenced the Chiron message for Virgo, which I have from last fall.  We were supposed to check it to see how it appreciated in value, and it sounded like a good game, so I did.

Here's a snippet from my Virgo (emphasis mine):

Chiron is all about your ability to work with other people, your competence at organization, and your capacity to complete tasks. That’s a big one. Completing something you’ve started.  That’s a definite huge one, especially now when you seem to be losing steam.

HA.  HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. 

I'm not really laughing at anybody--I"m just laughing.  Manically.

I done gone and finished, all by my own li'l self.


*saunters of smugly, flipping her skirt as she dances off again*

I'm a bit tense about this upcoming Mercury retrograde.

Go ahead and say they don't matter, or that it's a silly overreaction.  I'm sure it is for you, but I've attempted to write through enough of them to know that it's a bad, bad idea, and the thought of attempting to END a book during one is just not something I want to try.  My head goes sideways.  It's a great time to clean my house and plant things.  It's a terrible time to write unless I"m trying to open up new weird ideas.  I don't want new weird ideas.  I have enough.  I want this insane half mad unintelligible draft to END.

So I'm going to end it this week. 

This means I am going to be writing my head off.  All day.  All the time.  Blog entries will probably be rabid and full of all caps and exclamations.  Conversations with me will be strange.  There will be crying and bitching and I will lose my cool over something really weird like a towel in the middle of the living room floor, probably one I left there.  But I'm going to finish this by the time I leave for my mother's on Saturday.

Say prayers.*

Bye-bye.




*Try to "the Goddess" since that's the deity in Etsey.

I just started my Mercury AND Neptune retrograde preparations (begins a week from today, Mercury anyway) by organizing my "documents" folder, which I have not organized in almost three years.

It felt very good.

For Virgos, apparently.  (I ordered Lutin's Hot Flash.  I recommend them.  A lot.)

I am to be real and authentic.  I'm apparently going to be a bitch, though.  According to Lutin, I'm going to be telling a lot of people NO and ending conversations I'm not interested in abruptly and not just doing things because I feel like somebody expects me to.

Well.  I have to say, I'm liking the idea of that.  I think I was already doing it, but I like the idea of astrological permission. 

I just wish I knew the road map to "authenticity."  I guess that means write really honest, which I thought I was doing. 

Mostly I wish the hot flash had said, "You will become a genius at plotting, and this is an astrological influence which will last for the rest of your life."  Or, "You will get to keep 90% of each draft from now on and will never write yourself in a slowly decreasing circle to hell ever again."

I'm just going to write through May.  I'm going to write to the end.  It isn't going to make sense.  But I want to see the end.  If it sucks, fine.  I'll have an end.  Then I can either fix it or burn it at the stake and go on to something else.  Or burn myself at the stake.  Or maybe, maybe, maybe it will suck so completely horribly that I will at last be free and can find happiness in working for charity or something.

I'd rather it worked, personally.  Because I think it's either this or farming, and the yard just isn't big enough.  Honestly, it's mostly driveway and swingset and trees.

Come on, Universe.  Show me authentic.  I'm stupid here--you're going to need to write it out in primary block letters with a blinking arrow.

I am going to Dolly Parton on Wednesday.  She can probably teach me a thing or two.

Huh.

This part caught my attention.

is the mystical planet. According to Robert Hand symbolizes the final and conclusive reality in which all polarities exist at the same time but without any being distinctly discernible from another. is nirvana, the mystical perception of godliness and truth, nonattachment. Along with Saturn, , it stands for maya, the illusory reality. In conjunction with Venus, , it denotes artistic creativity.
     also signifies self-denial or a defeated ego, and deceitful or secretive activities such as poisoning.
    When combined with other planets in a negative way Neptune stands for a withdrawal from the world into drug abuse or mental illness.

It's also a rebel, apparently, because its orbit doesn't follow Bode's Law.

I think I may comprehend what  this is about, though.  Maybe.  Must go ohm later and see.

Okay--two yeahs, one obviously far cooler than the other.  Coolest first:  My sister just found out she's been accepted and placed in the Teach For America program.  GO, HILLARI!!!!

And in other coolness, here's my horoscope for the day from tarot.com:

Your planet, Mercury, is being supported by dark lord Pluto, ruler of our unconscious minds. More than ever, you can use language to shine light into obscured areas of your imagination. You are now like the mythical Phoenix, a bird that was reborn from the ashes of the ruins of destruction. If you can visualize the creative forces of evolution at work, then whatever difficulties you have faced can be released.

By Rick Levine

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I'll take it.

I know some Virgos who have actually received the OPPOSITE of good news, but still.  Let's take the rays of sun where we can get them eh?

Daily Horoscope for Virgo

Your reaction to good news may be more cautious than necessary, for the planets are beaming creative potential at you today. Humility has its place, but don't fall into the trap of believing you are any less important than anyone else. There's really no need to hesitate; the world is waiting for you to act.

I honestly have the document open and the soundtrack up and everything--I just have to switch on one more light, fire up the candles and the incense, and it's party time.  But I've been almost starting this for several minutes, because of Lutin, here.  Which I will repost because he never keeps the daily fix in archive, which is such a shame. 

Well.  Lutin has been saying this for days, but I thought, "September to October," and then did this twitching thing and felt my solar plexus seize up, but this morning I gave in and went to the archives of this blog.  That's a bit of a tease, because not everyone can do it--some of it's friends-only, some of it's filtered further, and really, there's not much there relative to my blogging since the first of the year, which has been positively viral.    But it was an education to me, and in an odd way, a balm.  Some of the things that had me alternately numb as wood and raw and screaming like Gollum--okay, no resolution.  But I have my own, and I have moved on, and I am happy, and I have done what I wrote there I was trying to do, which was make something of the muck. 

I think most what I loved, though, was how intelligent I sounded, even in the barf-it-up stuff.  Not that I was brilliant, but I remember how I felt at the time, and how sometimes I post or write and wonder if I look as inane and inept as I feel, but I read that stuff and felt like I was pretty articulate, and I enjoyed reading it, which was also good.  There was also a post where I had 12k, and now I have 75k.  Progress.

There was, though, a post where I said "I want to write this slow."  Dumb Heidi.  Dumb.  Well, not, because I've needed to.  But hear me now, blog.  I WANT TO HAVE A SOLID DRAFT OF TWA BY THE END OF MARCH, PLEASE.  Thank you.

So, I invite you to search your own blog and journal and memory store and go back to the beginning of Mars going backwards and prepare for the resolution.  I admit I am a cynic and I believe I will create my own resolution--in fact, I'm almost insisting on it.   But resolutions are good.  And I'm glad I looked back.  It really is better where I am right now.  Much, much, much better--even if there has been the same snow on the ground since December 1.  Even then.  It will be spring soon, and the water will take it all away, back to the rivers and the oceans, and it won't be mine anymore.  And if it wants to come back, all that stuff, it had better get its boots on.  And it had better carry a pretty sonnet, because this time, I am no naive fool. Well, I still am.  But I know it now.  Somehow that seems very important.

I have 75k words with blood all over them, and pain, and they are all mine, and I am going to finish this, all by myself.  Because I am naive and a fool, but I am so, so good at it.

No shit.  I spotted it, but Dan documented it.

And to continue on the astrology theme, as if Lutin weren't enough, Astrobarry is in on it as well.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): On the occasion of a lunar eclipse conjoining Saturn in your sign this coming Wednesday, Virgo, you'd be wise to welcome any feelings that arise concerning your ability to define the terms of your own life. Take back the power already. You may be too damned good at following the guidelines set by everybody else, though inside you may be so damned tired of such dutiful obedience. Perhaps it's time to create some new guidelines for yourself… minimal standards that will ensure you live up to your own demands for high quality, but without putatively smooshing you to remain 'in your proper place'. You mustn't let the power to judge whether you're putting in appropriately good efforts fall into other people's hands. Worry about meeting your own expectations, not theirs. The trickiest part, though, is to rewrite the rules so that you're being kind to yourself, not strict or unforgiving. Wouldn't it be a shame to reclaim the glory of laying down your own laws, only to discover you're an even crueler monarch over your own self than any outside party? The whole exciting purpose of grabbing back those reins is to create a more livable existence for yourself, not to increase the internal pressure to be 'perfect'. Establish guidelines with a little wiggle room. Life's hard enough… without being your own worst critic.

I am sensing a theme.

I'm also thinking I might go out tomorrow night and get a good gawk at the thing, since it's apparently going to rock my world.  Seems fitting to face it head on.

From this week's "next week in review."

VIRGO

18-25 feb

 
You've probably already experienced a couple of crushingly humbling moments when you couldn't figure out the pain, disappointment and feeling of aloneness. And the rejection thing! God almighty. There's gotta be a good reason and in fact, there is. Only you can reinvent yourself. Only you can shut out most of the world except for a few intimates. Only you can rebuild a greater success than what you've known. But...it's only you.

Yes, that what he said.  Now, to just do it . . . .

My forecast for the week:

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Have you fiddled with that frustrating task long enough? (And is it still not finished?) Well, Virgo, with your ruler Mercury spending one more week retrograde (before spinning back to direct motion next Monday), you're not quite done yet. But the light at the end of the tunnel is close enough to catch occasional glimpses of its near-blinding sparkle, whenever the factors combine just right. Please clutch devotedly to these fleeting flashes of hope because you will (eventually) get it done, most likely to your liking. In the meantime, ask for help. Let someone else bang their head against the wall alongside you for a spell, so they get a firsthand experience of what you're enduring. It's important, Virgo, for you to step up to whomever else is in charge, and fill 'em in on all the gnarly details. Otherwise, they won't see the problems you've dealing with clearly enough to empathize. You must tell it to 'em straight. And be prepared to try something drastically different—even if (gasp) it'll mean trashing everything you've done so far, to get to a more optimal result. (Occasionally, a particular pathway will hit an impassable dead-end, true?) Most crucial, however: Don't get too aggravated about wasted time, poor reflections on your skills, or any of the evaluative nonsense. The whole shebang will, in the end, be better off because of this protracted process… though your short-term sanity could be a different story.

(Get your own astrobarry weekly here)

So, I'm liking the "you will (eventually) get it done, most likely to your liking," but I do know that the road to hell for me is asking for help, and no, I will NOT start all over again.  I just did.  It's going well enough.  I am defying Mercury Retro.  I have a free pass.  I am using it.

Speaking of writing, I should get back to it.

But man, what a difference 24 hours and an antibiotic makes.  I am feeling much, much better.  I mean, my throat is sore, yes, but it's not swollen shut, which improves my quality of life more than I can say, and water, hot tea, and the occasional salt rinse make me fairly human.  I can speak now, too, which is also a plus.  Today I could have done the grocery run, though it's likely still best I don't. 

All I can think is of the days before penicillin when all that I am doing and have been doing and would like to continue doing could have ended because of a sore throat that truly did swell shut.  All hail modern medicine.

Backstory--I'm sort of doing a workshop for a group of friends (waves to Captain Jack's Walrus!) about south and north nodes--it started as enthusiasm for reading a book I found at the library, but it's become this thing of its own.  I look forward to posting about it and keep expanding it, not because of the attention but just because it feels so GOOD for some reason I can't describe, but probably has something to do with my own node, which is in Capricorn.

With the exception of this little experiment with friends, I read my "supposed to be list" for Capricorn and feel my stomach hurt.  The idea is that your south node is where you've come from and your north node is where you're supposed to head--but the north node is also apparently supposed to look more than a little like, "Excuse me, but, WHAT?!"  My list definitely falls under that heading.  I'm supposed to have self-control, self-respect, I'm not just supposed to be goal-oriented, but I"m to STAY goal oriented.  I'm supposed to approach life from an adult position, and I'm supposed to have sensible approaches to problem solving.  I should keep commitments and promises, let go of the past, practice self-care, and accept responsibility for success.

Some of that I cop to.  The past is past, baby, and leave it THERE.  Do not TOUCH IT.  Look forward, always.  And I can do goals and problem solving.  No problem.

But self-control?  Self-respect?  Self-care?  Accept responsibility for success? 

RUN.  RUN.  RUN.

Maybe this is why I'm sitting here tonight feeling agitated, my insides all twisty and weird because that workshop is going so well, to the point that I could see doing it in a more organized fashion and--pause for sick feeling--getting paid for it.   It's like I was doing fine until it looked so successful.  I do this everywhere, actually.  I am most uncomfortable when someone is telling me how good something I'm doing is.  Look, I even have the BAD MONKEY avatar on.  I feel oddest when I self-congratulate--I wait for someone to come out of the closet and beat me for claiming that I rock. 

And do we even NEED to talk about finishing writing?  I finished that first scene today.  It's really good.  I'm scared shitless.

Self-care?  Every time I start an exercise regimen or some sort of fitness routine I sabotage myself.  I get sick, I get off track, I break the equipment.  The hardest thing for me to do is look in the mirror and like myself.  Why does that feel so awful?  Why is that so hard?

The laundry list of things I'm supposed to not do is actually not so bad.  Except for one--dependence.  I bought a new book on it today--Astrology For The Soul by Jan Spiller, and on page 400, she gets my number.

What these people really want is an environment in which to feel safe, protected, cared for, and doted on--a place where they feel they truly belong.  To achieve this, they must be willing to let go of the idea that one special person--or group of people--is going to provide it just because they think they need it.  Instead, Capricorn North Nodes must take charge of creating what the need for themselves.

Oh, Jesus god.

And see, here's my problem. 

By pursuing a goal that energizes them, or by finding an ideal or set of principles that builds their self-respect, they will develop feelings of belonging in whatever circumstances they find themselves.  (400)

I have such a fear of being judged.  Not by strangers, really, but by people I love, which is messed up, I know, but there it is all the same.  I don't fear being rejected by strangers, but the idea of people I love leaving me, walking away from me or declaring me "bad" in a direct or indirect way paralyzes me.  When I write, I don't fear being raked by critics or unknown readers.  I fear the idea of people I respect or family members finding me lacking.  Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm crumbling to ash inside.  The interesting thing, though, is that I'm happiest WHEN I'm being critiqued, at least in writing.  It's why I have such a panic over actually finishing--the idea of being done and THEN being critiqued is hell.  I want to revise forever and make it so perfect that it is impervious.  I can't be moved by all the lovely and true sentiments about cracks are where the light gets in.  I just go into freak-out mode and melt down.  I keep reading that bit about finding an ideal or pursuing a goal that builds my self-respect, and I want to scream, "BUT HOW THE HELL WILL I KNOW I CAN BE SAFE?!"  I can't even tell you what safe is.  I just know I usually don't feel it.   I suppose nobody does, but that lack really bothers me most of the time.  It feels like if I could just feel safe, everything would be okay.

Interestingly, I have come the closest to feeling safe in my life over the past four or five months, ironically by a situation which made me feel fantastically rejected and very, very unsafe.  The world fell apart, and I went into pieces, and I thought, this is it.  The thing I was afraid of had happened.  And yet, it didn't really happen--that is, the world didn't really fall apart.  It just felt like it did.  Was I really rejected?  Okay, yes.  But do I know why?  No.  Does it matter?  You know, I'm starting to think no--or, it matters only as a lesson.  I don't like how it ended, not AT ALL, but I can't do anything about it at all but move on with my life, which is what I'm doing.    And I look at the first paragraph I quoted, the one about wanting to be safe and protected, pinning it on one person--yeah, that's what I did.  I was ready to own my dreams, to pursue a goal, and I had a principle and ideal and the whole gig, but my one condition was that I was NOT going to do it alone.   So maybe there was nowhere to go but to hell.

Well, now I have to say, I want to do it alone.  I'm glad for that experience, because now I want what I used to fear.  No, thank you, I do not want help.  I really don't, actually, and it feels good to say that.  I want to do this on my own, all by myself. 

I think it started with that floor in the TV room.  For years I have looked at that carpet, occasionally peeking at the bare floor below and being mad that nobody was showing up to make it better, that I had to wait to have money or find someone to do it.  I was mad that it was too hard and I couldn't do it.   And then, suddenly, I just did it.  God, but I love that floor.  It is MY floor.  I did the sanding.  I made the decisions.  I did all but a coat of the polyurethane, and I have to say, I kind of wish I *had* done that whole floor.  It was hard.  It was really, really, hard, and it was scary, but I did it.

Writing still feels scary, but I think I need to remember that floor.  I don't fear judgment for that floor.  Somebody could come in and say, "You didn't do X here," and I'd say, well, it was the best I could do.  Wow.  That's big.

I want that for my stories.  I really do.  I'm going to find it soon, I swear.  I just need my stomach to stop hurting.  And to stop feeling so uncomfortable when things go well.  That I do not understand at all.

Go, Capricorn.    And you know what?  Go, Bad Monkey. That blanket is damn handy.  It has a fantastic effect of narrowing the world to a manageable size.  And right now, that's what I need, a very small universe to manage, one which I can expand by lifting the blanket one inch higher at a time.

And yet why do I have this horrible suspicion that the universe is going to yank it away before I am ready?  Oh well.  It hasn't yet.  And that, tonight, I'll take.

For today: